did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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