hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
