You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
