I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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