He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you win again, gameday.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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