im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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