Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
