If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
