I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
