I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
