I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
