I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
