nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize