I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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