I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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