I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize