I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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