My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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