the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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