Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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