Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
