he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
