the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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