Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
