I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
