you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
