ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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