I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
