How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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