my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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