No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize