I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
