my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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