you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
