Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
