My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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