sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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