i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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