when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
