I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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