Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
