everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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