if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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