I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
