You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
