a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
