Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
