I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
