Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
