Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
