a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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