I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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