I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
