Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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