I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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