She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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