Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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