I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
PANTIES FOUND
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