If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
