if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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