well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
