What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
