My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
